Friday, November 19, 2010

第五个学期角色 - (2)

来到了考试的最后一个星期了,
我有十天的时间来准备最后一张考试,
但是我的心和头脑好像越变越懒散,
没有集中力,没有方向感。
我可以窝在房里两天不出门,
面子书的网页已不知道更新多少回了,
我还是喜欢我的房间,
但是如果我还在宿舍的话,
我应该七早八早的在图书馆里鬼混了

两年来,四个学期,
没有考试的日子,我都会在图书馆里过,
从早上到晚上,吃喝拉撒睡都可以在哪里解决,
好怀念那时候的感觉,
但是,人生是要有点转折点的,
我也没有想到,我会搬出来住,
更没想到,我可以没拿到宿舍。

马来西亚的特点,不止是三大民族而已,
还是三大不平等的民族,
华人就是没得到公平的对待,
至少我活在这里二十二年,我还是会说一句:不公平!!
民主只是拿来说说而已,那些政治人物都喜欢拿民主来大作文章!!

这个学期让我学会四川变脸法。
在不同的情况,变出不一样的脸色
还累,我的一位朋友说我们都在演戏
还是68亿演员的大制作,
好认同他的看法。

现在的我在想,
三年后的友谊是否还会存在,
我只认我对人的看法都在于第一次的见面,
如果印象不好的话,
那个人就可以从我的朋友列表里删除,
可能我们不应该这样对待人家,
但是,防人之心不可无!!
人心难测。。!!

待续。。。

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

第五个学期角色 - (1)

步入第五学期的十四个星期,
明显的考试即将来临,
还是像往常一样
毫无准备,懒懒散散

但是回想这下半年的经历
真的有如连续剧一样
面对的不是工作上的烦恼
而是人与人之间的沟通方式
还真的可以让昔日的感情变淡,变节。

让我在无数的夜晚里
不断地问自己,到底是我变了还是我们都变了
权利让人失去了原本态度
我自问,我并不是没有改变的人

应该说当个旁观者应该可以把事情看得更加清楚
旁观者-是我这个学期的角色
观察了很多以前认为很重要的东西
现在都变得,随它去吧!!

我不在乎,我在乎会懂的在乎自己的人
为了别人自爱自怜,我不在乎
为了自己权利双收,我不在乎
我在乎的是我的感受,我要的东西

朋友仿佛过云雨,
我不懂,我们之间的友谊是否会长久
我只知道我们以不同的方式在乎对方
只是有人还是会爱自己多一些
爱自己所爱的人.....

待续....



Thursday, September 9, 2010

I lose my countrol today again.

I fight with my brother again. and physically fighting again. I remembered the last time was during my may holiday. Honestly, I cant stand withhis attitude anymore.
Anyway, I will treat him like a stranger from now onwards. seriously a stranger.
I play my part talk when necessary.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

男生,女生 - 你们了解了吗?

记得大学上妇产科课程的时候,第一节课,是我们学校附属医院的妇产科老主任给我们上的,那是一个60多岁的老太太。。
她并没有像以往的教授一样,直接开始讲我们的课程。而是和我们谈起了所谓的敏感话题----“处女情结
记得当时我们大学三年级,这个问题对我们这些学医的学生来说,同样是个很敏感的话题,至少大家公开的时候从来不讨论也从来不提及。。。
老太太是这样说的:
在我们学习妇产科之前,我很想问你们一个问题,尤其是男孩子一个问题,你会希望你的妻子是处女吗?
希望的请举手。。。
我们一片愕然。。。
女生开始四处张望,看谁举手了。。
结果没有一个人举手。。。
老太太又问:那你们能够忍受自己妻子不是处女的举手?
女生又开始张望。。。
仍然没有人。。。
老太太又问:女生希望自己的丈夫是处男的举手?
一只,两只,三只,最后竟然所有的女生都举手了。。。
老太太又问:女生能容忍自己丈夫不是处男的举手?
女生的三分之二都举手了。。
老太太笑了:男生似乎不够勇敢啊,女生们都承认了。再做一次调查。。
这次,希望妻子是处女的,几乎所有的男生都举手了;而能够忍受自己的妻子不是处女的,只有5个人举手了(我们班有16个男生)。。。。
这是真实的事情,这是给我记忆最深的一堂课,这是老太太开始的一个调查,直到今天,每当我和寝室的同学聊天的时候,都会聊到这个老人。。因为她让我们这些女孩子第一次开始清晰的思考这个问题
你怎么知道你的妻子或者丈夫是处女或者处男?
老太太接着又问了我们第二个问题: 你怎么判断你的妻子或者丈夫是处女或者处男?
一片宁静...
没有人回答.
老太太笑了: 你们都该是7/80 年代的孩子吧, 大家可都说你们这一代是混乱而垮掉的一代, 想不到也这么拘谨阿.
她然后严肃的开始了我们的课程, 那是我5年医学生生活中记忆最深刻的一堂课。
她是这样说的(后来和我们寝室的人聊天的时候, 大家惊奇的发现, 我们每个人都几乎记下了她说的每一句话;)
我刚才这个问题, 也许女孩子无法回答, 因为你们无法去判断你们的丈夫是否是处男, 至少从医学的角度上是这样的. 所以有时候, 是不是女孩子们会觉得不公平呢!

那么, 男孩子又怎么去判断呐? 你们不愿意说, 我来帮你们说. 你们这代孩子肯定都看小说, 不管是黄色的还是红色的, 也看毛片,可能女孩子也有看的吧.. 所以你们不说, 我也可以知道, 你们心里一定说, 你们可以从第一次和你们的女朋友或者妻子的性生活中来发现,因为女孩子又一个这个社会总在提的处女膜”.
在我们那个年代, 这个是根本就不能随便说的, 那样的女人会被认为是婊子”, 不过到你们现在的时代, 你们应该都开始公开说了吧..
老太太很幽默的看着我们
但是你们知道吗? 其实那个处女膜什么也代表不了, 所以其实从医学的角度来说, 女孩子和男孩子一样, 也是解放的;
我们一片雀然耸人听闻无论男生还是女生都开始窃窃私语老太太就那么慈祥的看着我们
你们不用议论, 你们是医学生, 应该会用医学去分析你们看到和听到的事情
在医学中, 所有的事情都没有绝对的, 都有例外.
处女膜也是这样, 有的女孩子可能天生就处女膜缺如, 有的女孩子处女膜可能非常薄也就非常脆弱, 小时候不当心, 可能做一些激烈的体育运动, 它就自己破裂了,而你可能还不知道; 有的女孩子可能小时候得过某些妇科疾病, 虽然一般来讲, 在未婚前,
医生是不会通过阴道做任何检查的, 但是某些特定情况下, 可能必须要这样做, 那么这样的女孩子的处女膜其实是认为损坏的; 还有某些医疗事故,某些医生把未婚的女孩当作已婚的人做了妇科检查; 还有的女孩子小时候好奇, 自己可能去试, 所以认为的造成了破裂,而还可能有的女孩子的处女膜很厚很结实, 所以很难破.
这么多可能, 你说你怎么知道你的妻子是哪种可能呢?
其实是一个女孩子, 你又怎么知道你是哪种类型呢?
当然, 你们可能会说我这个老太婆, 讲的是个例
但是你们这些男孩子, 又怎么知道你们的妻子不是个个例呢?
我还记得我曾经的一个患者, 那时候我还年轻, 刚是个卫生诊所的大夫, 而那个年代又很保守. 那是个下雨天, 晚上已经很晚了,我一个人值班,半夜的时候, 门被敲响了, 是一个自杀的女人被人们送来了, 那个女人是割腕的, 当时基本已经没有救了, 但它仍然说着一个字:我是处女阿..那时候我还年轻, 但是多年后, 我想那个女人也许就是处女膜很薄的那种类型, 所以小的时候做大的体力劳动的时候弄破了,但新婚之夜, 她的丈夫狠狠的打了她, 骂她是婊子”, 她就自杀了, 以表她的清白.
老太太讲这件事情的时候, 表情很凝重.
我讲这些, 不是在告诉女孩子们, 你们应该如何给自己找理由, 来园谎, 而是告诉你们这些年轻人, 结婚应该为了你们的爱, 而不是处女的身份.
何况现在整形医学发展的很快, 修复处女膜也不是一件难事情了.
可以说, 从医学的角度来讲, 在这个社会, 女人已经可以和男人一样, 你已经可以无法分辨出她是否是处女了, 就象你无法分辨一个男人是否是处男一样..
你应该有婚前性行为吗?
老太太讲到这个的时候, 给我们留了个悬念..
她说, 我知道我这个年纪的人, 和你们讲这个, 你们会认为我古董, 跟不上时代了. 所以今天我不讲, 我让你们自己去门诊体会.
妇产科门诊流产室是我终身难忘的地方, 也许每一个医学生, 都不会忘记那里吧.
我接的第一个病人是一个北京女孩
她害怕在北京做碰见熟人, 所以来到北方的城市的医院里

她是那种很乖巧的类型, 想来在学校里应该属于很漂亮的那种类型吧.
怎么了?” 带我的老师问她..
她的脸有一点红: “已经一个月没来例假了..”
老师头也没抬, 划了两张化验单先去做个检查, 拿着结果再来..”
她不好意思的走了.
老师看看我, “你们可不要学.你们待时间长了就知道了, 产科门诊主要就两件事, 给产妇检查和给这样未婚先孕的做流产..
那个女孩子一会就会来了, 果然怀孕了..
要么?” 老师问
不要,
不用说原因了, 确定不要?”
..”
, 做无痛的还是一般的? 无痛的600, 一般的300.”
大夫, 我听别人说, 有那种药物的, 不用做手术.”
药物的不干净, 一般我们医生不建议, 而且你这个有点大, 药物的也不一定安全, 但是我得先说清楚, 这是第一个孩子吧..

流产有各种并发症和后遗症, 我们医生当然会尽量避免, 但是有些可能是难以避免的, 有的人甚至因为这个而造成终身不孕, 所以我们一般建议第一个孩子能留还是留.不过如果坚持, 我们也会给你做的..”
大夫, 我这个孩子不能要
, 那你是做无痛的还是一般的, 一般的疼, 无痛的就是打点麻醉药, 不过贵.”
那还是一般的吧.”
我看了看那个女孩子..
老师把表格递给她, 让她签了字, 然后我带着她去找护士给她测体温脉搏之类的我清楚的记得, 那个女孩子是82年生的, 和我一边大
之后我把她领进了人流室
那时我看的第一个人流手术, 非麻醉的
其他都记不得了, 但我清晰的记得那喊声, 当时我就一辈子发誓, 我永远也不会到这里来.
老师做手术的时候, 对我说: 我不希望在这里看见你们.”
然后她就什么也没有说.
人流手术, 其实是很危险的一种, 至少我是这样认为. 在医学上, 任何手术都是危险的, 因为虽然她的风险率只有千分之几或者万分之几, 但是你要知道, 如果降落在你的身上, 她就是百分之百阿.
更何况, 对于女人来说, 那有可能意味着永远不能生育
不要对我说, 你不在乎是否有小孩, 不要对我说你未来的先生不在乎有小孩, 但我知道, 至少绝大多数的男人都是希望有自己的孩子的.除非你愿意冒险,即使你能找到一个不在乎处女之身的男人
我再罗嗦一句
其实自己也不知道自己想说些什么.
不是医学生的人, 没有经历过流产室里一幕幕的人, 也许永远也无法理解这些
所以, 我的老太太老师才会对我们说, 等你们到流产室实习的时候, 就知道你们将来应该怎么做了..

所以有时候, 自己有点庆幸, 自己曾经学过医.
记得我们班的男生结束妇产科实习的时候, 通常都会感慨两句话:
, 做女人太不容易了, 我以后得对我妈和我妻子好点.
, 打死我, 我也不和我爱的人在婚前发生关系.
记得以前有一篇用数学模型分析女孩子该不该答应男朋友和他发生关系的文章, 很好
结论就是决不
如果他爱你, 他不会这样要求你, 即使这样要求你, 你拒绝了, 他也会理解的...
如果他不爱你, 那你正好可以趁此机会脱离他, 却寻找自己真正的爱人.....
我不喜欢那些仁义道德大谈的, 但是面对自己妻子的时候却要大谈特谈处女情结的男人. 但是作为一个女孩子, 为了保护自己, 为了自己的快乐, 还是把那些留在婚后吧
因为婚前的行为, 你无法料想她会带来些什么
而如果你的那位真的爱你, 也决不会因为你的没有答应, 而离开你
而一个已经无法保全的女孩子
去识别那些能够让你快乐的男人
虽然这个社会上有很多处女情节的男人, 但也同时有很多真正的懂得爱情的男人, 不要为了婚姻而婚姻
更何况现代的医学毕竟在发展(不过这条并不是你应该放纵自己的理由)
我罗嗦的太多了..
有点混乱.
不过我想, 如果你待在一个不讲究处女的地区, 那么你尽可以去经历, 就象美国派里演的一样
如果不是, 就看你想如何去过你的生活了,,,
比如在加拿大, 当地人, 很少有没有过性生活的人, 至少在我这个岁数的, 所以如果你想找个当地人的话, 你尽可以去按照他们的方式去过;如果在中国, 至少在北方城市, 我很少听谁说, 我要找个非处女老婆的, 所以如果你想找个那里的当地人, 你就不得不想想了..
最后让我重复我的那个老太太老师最后对我们说的话
老太太看着我们说:女孩子们,看见了吗。在这个社会里,其实很多男人都是希望自己的妻子是处女的,而且很少有男人会忍受自己的妻子不是处女的事实。这在目 前的中国,和以前的中国相比,这样的状况,其实并没有改变过。。所以每当我在门诊看见像你们一样年轻的女孩子来做流产或者堕胎的时候,我就想让他们看看你 们举起的手。。。所以,既然你们是医学生,更应该懂得保护和珍爱自己,女孩子们。。希望我不会在流产门诊看见你们其中的任何一个。

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Selangor Assembly Speaker - Teng Chang Khim

邓章钦:陶醉在民意高现象 民联出现太多迟疑
2010/08/17 6:37:04 PM
●南洋商报 独家专访:许国伟、蔡晓薇

邓章钦:其实废除支持信已在州政府改革议程内,只是步伐较慢
(吉隆坡17日讯)民主行动党中委兼雪州议长邓章钦直言,民联固然要大刀阔斧推行改革,可是现在却出现太多“迟疑”,甚至陶醉在民意高的现象,已经在想“千秋万代”。

民联执政雪州超过2年,虽然改革良多,民间反应也好,但是最近爆发的“支持信”事件,却让雪州民联政府及行动党陷入极度尴尬的处境,以致国阵抨击雪州政府及行动党在执政后迅速腐化。

邓章钦向《南洋商报》说,以支持信而言,其实废除支持信已在州政府改革议程内,只是步伐较慢,没想到问题就先爆发出来。

“对我而言是塞翁失马,可以加速取消支持信措施,但如果一些人说我们没有改革,是不对的。”

他说,他上任议长72小时后,便提出4件要做的事:(1)延长议会辩论时间、(2)网上直播议会、(3)设立公开听证会、(4)让反对党担任公账会主席。这些事情在2年4个月内都已做到。

“一定要改革,不能等……现在(有人)太多迟疑,我们已处在没有时间达致成果的状况,不应该再蹉跎。”

大选前整顿好制度

询及,是否有人已在想“千秋万代”这回事?邓章钦毫不掩饰的说:“会,他们处于满意状况,民意高啊,70%华裔支持嘛,马来人多加5%就好……其实最重要是大选之前把制度整顿好,这才是重点。”

他说,是否能在有限时间内整顿制度、完成结构性改革,这才重要。

发生“支持信”事件后,州政府及行动党采取的行动,也成为各界焦点。

他说,如果只因为出现支持信问题,就把民联比喻成像国阵一样,那是不理性的说法,抹杀了民联过去两年的努力。

“我个人沮丧不是因为此事,而是因为整个社会受到自命清高的舆论所影响。很多评论人自命清高,某些评论人对从政者的要求……你去找圣人从政吧!”

电影篇

问:《锦衣卫》后,还想看什么电影?

答: 我很想看电影,但是没有时间,所以我只看电视剧。我错过很多好电影,但不会特定去戏院看戏,我出现的场合也只有卖翻版光碟,但我如何去买呢?(哈)我看很 杂,很多烂东西我也看,因为不看不懂它有多烂,所以我边看边骂。像只有听古典音乐才对吗?流行音乐也有值得启发及美丽之处啊,看戏也是一样,一些香港无厘 头的戏也有可取之处,它能反映人生。

中国电影不错,但不一定是完美的,例如我看过一部戏,对白让我捧腹大笑,因为其中一个演员说“明修栈道,暗渡陈仓”,但年代不对嘛,乱套了...(笑)

问:我曾看过演唐代狄仁杰的电视剧,演员对白说“幽默”这词。

答: (笑到翻)……讲到幽默,中国人不懂幽默,所以中国几千年都没有出现这个字眼,你也找不到最接近的中文字眼。即使是“滑稽”也不是“幽默”,而是 “funny”,“幽默”高级一点,funny只是好笑,中文没有幽默,所以历史上幽默的中国人,都没有好下场,你幽默一点点别人就以为你在讽刺了,但那 是幽默啊!

问:现在也是?

答:嗯,现在也是,有些人不懂得幽默。(笑.....)

历史篇

●邓章钦看历史

问:看历史书吗?

答:即使我看历史书,我也不会背,我觉得背书很累赘……我喜欢看历史人物性格及事件,我认为若多看历史人物及了解其性格,这是很大的个人文化修炼……多看历史书是好的,所以我就奇怪,为什么有人喜欢看古龙。(哈哈哈)

●邓章钦看历史人物

问:中国历史人物众多,你最欣赏谁?

答: 我相当喜欢曹操,但别人可能以为我是坏人。我不认同曹操说:“宁可我负天下人人,不可天下人负我”,但曹操的文学造诣很好,他拥有大格局,宁可放弃做皇 帝,可见他的格局很大。但我最欣赏的不可能是他(曹操),他是政治家、军事家及文学家,在中国历史上非常难得,不可能有人才能如他,生在那个时代,他很不 简单,但往往被误解,当然这要怪搞文学的人,因为这样才有张力(笑)。

问:这或许,还要怪他不姓“刘”。(注:汉高祖刘邦订立“非刘氏而王,天下共击之”的白马盟约)

答:中国人喜欢以成败论英雄,你看刘邦及项羽,大家都说刘邦好,我说项羽是鲁莽及性格冲动一点,但他有真性子,做人像刘邦的话太阴险了,像刘备做皇帝有如何?我对他没什么好感,还有刘表……大草包一个。但是,我并不是对姓刘的有偏见(大笑特笑)。

我觉得曹操是很潇洒的人,能有他的文学造诣及军事才能,我觉得不虚此生,但历史上就只有这么一个曹操(哈哈)。

个人篇

●邓章钦看同僚

问:党内很多人把你与林冠英比较,后来又与倪可敏比较,有吗?

答:有……拿我与林冠英比较很自然,因为是同一年代的,但拿我与倪可敏比较,就太看不起我了!(哈哈哈),到今天为止倪可敏还抄我的演讲。像“马来西亚最近出口笑话”,我已经讲过,大概半年了,他在一个场合听过,后来变成自己文告,他就成为“原创者”了。

●邓章钦看自己

问:像你这样的性格,不容易讨好吧?

答:我想我的兴趣多元化,我感觉我是比较属于文化领域。在政治圈内,像我这样性格的,要生存不容易,我认为我已经是奇迹了。

我 自夸一点,我的观察力很敏锐、笔锋言论尖锐及准确、语文表达比一般人好,像这样的能力在政治圈(生存)是比较困难的。我常讲,政治人物有时要迷糊一点,像 苏东坡,他一生在政治上很多波折,他是文人,文学造诣无人质疑,但是作为政治人物,他一生被贬了多次。他有一首诗,“人皆养子望聪明,我被聪明误一生,唯 愿孩儿愚且鲁,无灾无难到公卿”……我想这是前人的智慧,政治人物太清晰尖锐,不愚不钝的话,会多灾多难。我想若我无法迷糊的话,再这样下去会不会很痛 苦?

我读书不多,但勉强沾有文人气息,所以我真是奇迹了。

●邓章钦看演说

问:在政治演讲会,你会发明很多创意词汇,例如把Cemerlang, Gemilang, Terbilang说成“这么烂、根本烂、特别烂”, 让人有共鸣,你这么做到的?

答: 我从草根出身,我讲的语言是民众的语言,我了解民众心态,他们怎么想。我常说,很多人一夜之间做了海啸议员,就以为自己很了不起,三个人投诉他就当做全世 界都在投诉。政治人物,特别是在民主政治内,要靠民意上位,就要懂得阅读民意。可是很多人不懂。其实很多国人偏向沉默,我们往往注重吵闹的人,会吵的孩子 有糖吃,所以我们只专注吵闹者,而忘了需要照顾绝大多数沉默的人,但他们到底要什么?很多政治人物不懂得阅读民意。

问:这是你的天赋吗?还是经验累积?

答:是环境及经验,我是从最低层出来的。

问:但你没有草莽气息?

答:那个要经过文化洗礼(大笑)我觉得今天没有掩盖太多东西(又大笑...)

p/s: I admire his talent in general. It's so tough to have him this kind of man to stand still in society. I really wish I ahve the opportunity to get a closer chance to interact with him. Applause for him. *clap clap*

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

寄人篱下的日子-第九天

终于让我听到一点点消息了..
我的宿舍上诉的事终于有眉目了..
逸斌说看见我的名字白纸黑字的出现在上诉得直的名单内...
我的心想,老天爷,您千万别跟我开玩笑...
我可经不起’意外‘的消息...
现在的我,只能够慢慢的等待真实的消息...
漫漫长夜...
斗斗星辰...
我想家了...

Sunday, July 18, 2010

寄人篱下的日子-第七天

原来在在别人家生活真的很难,所有的生活步骤都要顺着别人的风格。

有时候,我真的很不自在。好像每天都不是我想要过的生活节奏,

但是除了我没有交房租费以外,我对这间家的设施都非常满意,

只可惜的是这并不是我的家,天啊!!

什么时候,我才能够回到我的狗窝?!

我好怀念那些吹水的日子!!

p/s: 小孩子真的很麻烦, 究其是好动的孩子。。!!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

New life

I reached Sabah on the day of Sabah on the 26/06/2010.
Can u just imagine I had moved my bags for 7 times (maybe more) until I decided to stay at my uncle's house for that 3 weeks.
I really do hope it's only 3 weeks because the feeling of staying at ppl's hse isn't that good.
They don't have much hobby but only some tv after their dinner,
but the 3 children is the most important part after all.
they was quite noisy most of the time ( all the time, to be specific a bit).
What i can do in that house is only facing my own lappie for drama n drama n drama.
there's no assignments at the meanwhile because of the advance system in my uni.. *clap clap*

Oh god..!! please listen to my prayers...
Please bring me to a brighter side of my life...
I know you had given me the light but at this time I really needs spotlight..!!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

A tiring summer holiday

A tiring summer holiday..
This is the first summer break which I felt is the most tired one,
in other way, I'm involved into more responsibility ( working ma),
less rest, more sickness caught into me in this one month holiday,
From day to day, i felt I'm so weak to get up and perform the routine worksssss
but guess what, even though I'm not willing to get up but end up, waken up by my mum or dad,
When I count on my finger, I leaved 2 weeks at here then going back to Sabah for orientation and the hostel stuff.
I'm so unwilling to go back so early, in fact if I got my hostel result ealier which the answer is an 'accaptance', I can just persuade my mum to let me go back ealier,
I don't care about the orientation anymore,
no determination to go further for my Activity life,
but without the existence of activities, I know my life will be very commom,
but relax, relax relax to go through my last year degree life...
However, until this time, I have no regret with what I had gone through,
maybe with the right person and the right time..
gosh, need to be off to my grand aunt to pay her a visit coz she is old enough to travel around..
update soon..

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Did you open your heart to someone?

A freind of mine had asked me this question below:

' Have you ever open your heart to someone?'
'If you dont, then will be long engage in single life.'

Honestly, my heart is colled in most of the time.
I know how I heart feels when the right one exists in my life.

Don't you think so?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Let go

This is the first time I received I'm a no manenrs person in ppl eye.
yeay. people who know me, I'm tat kind of ppl where I do all my stuff follow my way.
I got my own personality. I live for myself.
The distance between me n you is getting further n further..
the distance cant be measured...
THe speechless can't be described...
The irritiated can't be spoken...
From now on, I told myself..
Is time to let u go as a friend...
because u'r not the friend I'm looking for..
I'm the one who changing not you...
I'm so sorry I can't able to understand u anymore...
Maybe all the previous understanding is not deep enough...
I can't drop any tears for friends...
because it has been become a scare in my heart...
A scare which I can't understand u...

I let u go, my friend...

Friday, April 9, 2010

I want to start a new journey

People have been telling me, my attitude got problem, my tempered is too high..
EQ too loqw... like to yell and get angry all the time..
Come on man.. if u dunno how stupid , idiot , basterd u are right??!!
shut ur mouth and go eat shit..!~@!~@!~@
everyone has theri limit...
only certain bitch and basterd can make me angry..
I'm trying my best to ignore,..
but u seems like cross my limit..
lie to me and not admit is ur fault..
tat's ur problem not mine..!@~!@!~
lying can caused ur dead and fail for ur life..
Anyway, I'm not going to busy body for any other people business already..!@#~!@
I just want to do my best for my job..
and make u guys not question on my work..
don't ever try to cross the line..
i meant it...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

I proved myself

I just came back from Tamu gadang interview. Honestly speaking, this is the sort of a event for our convo people in this October. I wanted to join because I love all of them so much..!! I meant it..!!!
I might be not that good for the last year performance but I will perform my best for my next event. Guess what, I suits busy life. Busy life suits me!!
Some rumors were going around the uni regarding to the position for certain event. For me, all of that is childish minded. I don't give a damm shit whether u wanna band me for any reason. For me, u afraid of me then u drop me. THose people don't over confidence. I'm not that person who wish for the condition where people don't appreciate for my work..
There is still some where else I belongs..
I belongs my own kingdom.. not you to decide my direction.

I got for what I want, I work hard for it, I impress people with my ability; I don't need your sympathy.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

New Templates..!!

I'm the painter...
GOtna catch up with assignmnets...
Tired until finish my final..!~@~!#

Thursday, March 18, 2010

My weakness

Received a precious comment from an old friend whom currently in Russia for her Medical study.
Thanks a lot for your comment and advise.
I know keep avoiding is not the way to solve my problem.
This is my psychological problem.
I'm a person who afraid of loneliness.
All this while, I had two close seniors infact my closest friends in my university walk along with me,
They seriously walked along with me all the time.
When, I'm going to fall. They will be there.
But situation will change, I have to grow up.
I have to walk alone after this semester.
The joy and happiness that we had build through our past is going to become our history.
From 1st year, a girl whom only know study is the most important had change to a person who like to think too much.
She kept all the secrets in her heart, no one can understand.
She knows her weaknesses, she had trying very hard to change her irritiating attitude.
Obviously, she failed.
She always concerned for her family because she knows how precious her family is to give her support.
She wish to fly as high as possible but she always pulled back by certain force(self-confidence).
Since last time, I will said I'm a person with very less self confidence ( maybe because of my body size).
Sometimes, she wonder if her body is slim like model, will she become more confidence to herself?!
I doubts but with slim body is better than an overweight body shape.
She wish someone can understand her, she is not hoping for much.
At least a good friend who can understand me.
A girl who always have to carry the responsibility is always tired.
Tired until she has to explore what she had done for the whole day before she slept.
Sometimes, she cant sleep because of the incident that happened in the day.
MSM event, might be the last event for me in the my degree.
Seniors asked me to try it out if the feeling is not right then just take a rest.
There's no point carry on anymore.
My heart tell me to move on but my mind ask me to stop.
If I had a choice, I wish to have a life with my music, basketball, studies and events together.
If I were a boy...
maybe I can be more firmed with my decision...
If I were a boy...
I don't have so much time to doubts my decision but to carry on...
If I were a boy...
I will be tough as a real man.
But I'm a girl..
Thanks to my parents had given me a female identity..
They makes me think further and outside the box...
My weakness is I ALWAYS THINK TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! chilaka..!!


Monday, March 15, 2010

Updates

I will not post anything unless ir really created numerous effect to my life. I'm quite busy with my assignments currently. In fact, I have assignments stil not started yet. Very emotional recently, I don't know what's the problem.
jealous?
miss the praised like last time?
empty is the most suitable word to describe my life now...
was wondering should I change my flight ticket o not...
mum said last year d.. join nia la.. no prob ba..
then ok, I joint.

I wished someone can tell me.. what I had become until now?! what's my difference since last time..
someone...
please tell me...
thanks

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Thing that caught my attention since last year

All this while, I'm in Sabah.
I always try my very best to solve all the obstacles occurred in my life.
I did complaint.
I did give up.
I did a lot of negative behavior to keep myself in my own life box.
However, life carry on smoothly as I wished since the first day I stepped my first step in this land.

After I have adapted myself here for almost 2 years,
I actually enjoy very much with my single life here.
If I could add in my transportation here then my life will be awesome.
Then I started to think about my future as in I have one more year a heads from here,
then I will graduate from my degree from UMS.
So, now my future is the main attention in my life.
Ever since my family had problem, my future is always the main concern in my life.
Before this, I told myself I will go back to my home and stay with my parents after I start working so that I can accompany them especially my daddy.
But now I have any different thought for my future.

What had make me success in UMS?!
I always question myself..
I came out with a conclusion because I'm far away from my home then I can avoid from the quarrel with family.
These is the main factor that can make me feel relax in handling my things here.
Since last May holiday started, I knew that home is not the place I can stay if I started my career.
Not to mean that I'm so cruel to leave my parents with two younger brothers.
But, I can only concentrate in my work if I leaved my house just like the condition in Sabah now.

I keep searching and searching a way for me to go abroad for my career.
I know I mustn't in hurry to work it out and things will change in one year time.
I might be not alive in this coming one year. Tragedy is kindna subjective for me.
I'm still with my principle, if there is any chance to go further,
I will say
YES!!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Glory + Normal

Pesta Ang Pow UMS was performed greatly on last satuday night at Dewan Chancellor, UMS.
That was full house for that night.
I really appreciate with all the hard work we had done and challenges we had overcome it.
Thanks to my strong teammates, 16 of us had created glory to ourselves and to PAP as well.
I really hope that they had learned something through out this event.
It's hard to gather all the strong and tough people in one team But we are the one strong team.
All the misunderstand and stress or conflict, I bag forgiveness from all of you.
I apologize if I ever hurt you in the past, present and future.
Carry on your university life with fun and challenges.
Enjoy who you are as a student in this protected area.
Growth as much as you could to decrease harmful impact in your future.
All the best and good luck!!
Happy Chinese new year. See yea, iron men unit publicity Pesta Ang Pow 2010.

Friday, January 22, 2010

LIFE..........

Sometimes, life is so unpredictable..
The more you had prepared, the more thing you might lose..
The more thins you cant control....!!!